I wrote this to a friend to explain the basic discipline methods we (try to) use with Tristan at home, (and to give a glimpse of how difficult it is to live with Tristan!)
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Every day (at home), Tristan has to work to earn at least 25 points on a tally-chart that I carry around with me. It's on a small dry-erase board that I can carry from room to room or slip into my purse. I catch him being "good" throughout the day and mark up a point on the tally chart + show it to him (proudly). Then, at the end of the day, if he has earned 25 points (or more), he gets to color in a bar on a big chart on the wall - (Last month our chart was a big heart to go with our Valentines day decorations, this month, it's a big shamrock!)
He loves this chart and feels proud of it, and it is a great visual reminder. Then, when he has filled up 10 color bars (doesn't have to be 10 consecutive days), he gets to earn $5 pocket money. (Which he enjoys spending in toy stores on things like squishy balls, play-dough, markers, sketch pads, etc, or he may spend it on an ice-cream or even going to the second-run cinema to see a fun movie).
We usually give him the opportunity to spend his pocket money once a week, as a treat. (He also uses his pocket money to buy birthday cards + presents for us, or treat us to ice-cream occasionally, so he learns about giving to others too).
When he does something unacceptable, (such as stick his butt in Sophie's face) the first thing I do is say "no" and I make a frown. I matter-of-factly remind him that if he does it again, he will lose a point. This is using a "logical consequence". If he then apologizes nicely and / or goes on to play with Sophie nicely, I then smile and praise him, and give him a point on the chart for good handling of himself.
With most of his behaviors, it's usually enough just to threaten to erase a point - this usually nips his unacceptable behavior in the bud straight away. Sometimes, I have had to be tough - very tough - with Tristan, especially when he breaks things or bullies Sophie. (Eg. he has pulled down bookshelves and smashed things like our printer, scanner, my plants, etc).
The next step up from losing a point is to pay us (Dave and I) a "fine" when he breaks something. Out of his own pocket money. This is also a very good "natural consequence" for him, which he understands. Having worked hard to earn his pocket money through the reward chart, he then feels the "pain" of having to pay for things he breaks. If it is something small such a pencil, I usually make him pay 50 cents or maybe $1. If it something really big, such as our scanner, I make him pay $5 (not the cost of the scanner, but a large enough amount for him).
Again, this is usually a good way to get through to him the next time he is about to break something. He starts to smash something, and I make a frown, say "no", and matter-of-factly remind him that if he breaks it, he will have to pay for it with his pocket money. And if this doesn't stop him, I remind him that this means he won't be able to buy any squishy balls, play-dough, markers, or treats this weekend. This is usually enough to stop him. (And of course, I then re-direct him to another sensory activity, recognizing that his need to smash something is his sensory-seeking).
Tristan really craves sensory input all the time - his sensory needs are extreme. He seeks deep pressure + deep impact, and if he doesn't get it, he will not be able to self-regulate. Therefore, I never "punish" him (i.e. take away a point) if I feel his loss-of-control was purely sensory based and that he really couldn't help it. There are times, though, when I know he *is* calm and regulated and yet he still indulged in something aggressive just for fun.
The hardest thing for me to handle is not the aggressive behavior itself, but his evil-sounding "cackling" when he does it, which makes it seem as though he is enjoying it! He will do something he knows is "wrong", such as pull his pants down, knock over a plant, pull a limb off one of Sophie's dolls tauntingly infront of her, etc. Then he will run away from me, laughing + giggling, and then, the more I try to stop him + get through to him, his giggling becomes loud, hysterical, evil-sounding cackling! I'm not exaggerating! It's this evil cackling I can't stand - it makes me feel so angry, indignant, hurt, and even scared. It's at times like this that I have to fight so hard to keep myself calm.
And I admit I have failed him at times, when I have lost my patience and my temper and have yelled at him when I know I shouldn't. I usually find that it's during his "evil cackling" fits, that I desperately want to get through to him, and making him cry seems to be the only way. But of course I always regret making him cry, and feel wracked with guilt afterwards.
When we enforce the rules of the chart, and get him to pay for something he has broken, it is always later, when everybody is calm and rational again. And he does it willingly and contritely and knowing that it is fair. He has a great sense of fairness, and accepts this very well. He also knows that he sometimes hurts my feelings, and he genuinely regrets it - he later apologizes to me, and I apologize to him and we "make up" again.
In the long run, I believe my reward charts, rules + following through with "natural consequences", have worked very well for Tristan. And even when I have lost my temper, he does not, at the end of the day, really question my love for him - we still have a great bond, and we can still be friends. He is very resilient and knows how to forgive and move on. I don't worry that I have "lost him" - he comes back again!
But, even though I enjoy a bond of friendship with him (which is getting stronger as he grows older), I still believe I have to be his mother first, and his friend second, i.e. I am responsible for helping him grow to be an independent adult, so he can leave home and do without me when I die.
I don't want to *need* his friendship either - I have a loving husband, a loving mother, some very close friends, and a fulfilling life outside of my children, and I don't ever want to depend on my children for love. If I am lucky enough to have my children's friendship as well, that will be a bonus, but I do not expect it. I believe it would be unfair on them to burden them with this need.
Of course, I am starting to feel differently about my daughter who, without me even trying, is becoming such a sweet little friend to me - she is always so thoughtful, generous, caring and gracious - she comforts me and lifts my spirits - quite the perfect anti-dote to the ever challenging, frustrating, exasperating experience of loving Tristan.
It's having an autistic child like Tristan that really teaches you about un-conditional love - the way you know you will always love your child, no matter what he does, no matter who he is, or turns out to be, and that you will always be there for him, to help him, no matter how difficult he makes your life... because... you have to! Who else will?
He loves this chart and feels proud of it, and it is a great visual reminder. Then, when he has filled up 10 color bars (doesn't have to be 10 consecutive days), he gets to earn $5 pocket money. (Which he enjoys spending in toy stores on things like squishy balls, play-dough, markers, sketch pads, etc, or he may spend it on an ice-cream or even going to the second-run cinema to see a fun movie).
We usually give him the opportunity to spend his pocket money once a week, as a treat. (He also uses his pocket money to buy birthday cards + presents for us, or treat us to ice-cream occasionally, so he learns about giving to others too).
When he does something unacceptable, (such as stick his butt in Sophie's face) the first thing I do is say "no" and I make a frown. I matter-of-factly remind him that if he does it again, he will lose a point. This is using a "logical consequence". If he then apologizes nicely and / or goes on to play with Sophie nicely, I then smile and praise him, and give him a point on the chart for good handling of himself.
With most of his behaviors, it's usually enough just to threaten to erase a point - this usually nips his unacceptable behavior in the bud straight away. Sometimes, I have had to be tough - very tough - with Tristan, especially when he breaks things or bullies Sophie. (Eg. he has pulled down bookshelves and smashed things like our printer, scanner, my plants, etc).
The next step up from losing a point is to pay us (Dave and I) a "fine" when he breaks something. Out of his own pocket money. This is also a very good "natural consequence" for him, which he understands. Having worked hard to earn his pocket money through the reward chart, he then feels the "pain" of having to pay for things he breaks. If it is something small such a pencil, I usually make him pay 50 cents or maybe $1. If it something really big, such as our scanner, I make him pay $5 (not the cost of the scanner, but a large enough amount for him).
Again, this is usually a good way to get through to him the next time he is about to break something. He starts to smash something, and I make a frown, say "no", and matter-of-factly remind him that if he breaks it, he will have to pay for it with his pocket money. And if this doesn't stop him, I remind him that this means he won't be able to buy any squishy balls, play-dough, markers, or treats this weekend. This is usually enough to stop him. (And of course, I then re-direct him to another sensory activity, recognizing that his need to smash something is his sensory-seeking).
Tristan really craves sensory input all the time - his sensory needs are extreme. He seeks deep pressure + deep impact, and if he doesn't get it, he will not be able to self-regulate. Therefore, I never "punish" him (i.e. take away a point) if I feel his loss-of-control was purely sensory based and that he really couldn't help it. There are times, though, when I know he *is* calm and regulated and yet he still indulged in something aggressive just for fun.
The hardest thing for me to handle is not the aggressive behavior itself, but his evil-sounding "cackling" when he does it, which makes it seem as though he is enjoying it! He will do something he knows is "wrong", such as pull his pants down, knock over a plant, pull a limb off one of Sophie's dolls tauntingly infront of her, etc. Then he will run away from me, laughing + giggling, and then, the more I try to stop him + get through to him, his giggling becomes loud, hysterical, evil-sounding cackling! I'm not exaggerating! It's this evil cackling I can't stand - it makes me feel so angry, indignant, hurt, and even scared. It's at times like this that I have to fight so hard to keep myself calm.
And I admit I have failed him at times, when I have lost my patience and my temper and have yelled at him when I know I shouldn't. I usually find that it's during his "evil cackling" fits, that I desperately want to get through to him, and making him cry seems to be the only way. But of course I always regret making him cry, and feel wracked with guilt afterwards.
When we enforce the rules of the chart, and get him to pay for something he has broken, it is always later, when everybody is calm and rational again. And he does it willingly and contritely and knowing that it is fair. He has a great sense of fairness, and accepts this very well. He also knows that he sometimes hurts my feelings, and he genuinely regrets it - he later apologizes to me, and I apologize to him and we "make up" again.
In the long run, I believe my reward charts, rules + following through with "natural consequences", have worked very well for Tristan. And even when I have lost my temper, he does not, at the end of the day, really question my love for him - we still have a great bond, and we can still be friends. He is very resilient and knows how to forgive and move on. I don't worry that I have "lost him" - he comes back again!
But, even though I enjoy a bond of friendship with him (which is getting stronger as he grows older), I still believe I have to be his mother first, and his friend second, i.e. I am responsible for helping him grow to be an independent adult, so he can leave home and do without me when I die.
I don't want to *need* his friendship either - I have a loving husband, a loving mother, some very close friends, and a fulfilling life outside of my children, and I don't ever want to depend on my children for love. If I am lucky enough to have my children's friendship as well, that will be a bonus, but I do not expect it. I believe it would be unfair on them to burden them with this need.
Of course, I am starting to feel differently about my daughter who, without me even trying, is becoming such a sweet little friend to me - she is always so thoughtful, generous, caring and gracious - she comforts me and lifts my spirits - quite the perfect anti-dote to the ever challenging, frustrating, exasperating experience of loving Tristan.
It's having an autistic child like Tristan that really teaches you about un-conditional love - the way you know you will always love your child, no matter what he does, no matter who he is, or turns out to be, and that you will always be there for him, to help him, no matter how difficult he makes your life... because... you have to! Who else will?
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