Awakenings - How my autistic son is my personal Zen teacher

Awakenings - How my autistic son is my personal Zen teacher

(Written October 28, 2009)

A good friend of mine sent me a link to a really cool video today: - yet another in a stream of them from many friends. Some I watch, some I don't have time for, although I do try to watch most of them, especially if I like the humor or the philosophy of the person sending it!

This one (see link below) is of a spiritual Zen teacher, Adyashanti. I've not heard of him before, so I decided to have a look. It was a 25 minute long video, so I had to pause it several times to get on with my household duties, getting lunch ready, etc... But, afterwards, I felt compelled to reply to the person who sent it to me, and to write down some thoughts.

This "essay" is not just about my reactions to this video, or zen philosophy in general, but is mainly about my thoughts on Tristan and living with autism, and how this has shaped my approach to life.

Adyashanti has such an amazing serenity. His face, expression and demeanor exude light, peace and positive energy. I was mesmerized and compelled to keep watching!

His philosophy is SO akin to my own; - I agree with everything this man says, about 99% anyway! The one thing I don't quite agree with, is that "time has run out" for the human species. Maybe that's my naive optimism, but I like to believe we have more time anyway! LOL! But I can understand where he's coming from when he says that - i.e. accepting our own death and that of humanity is the ultimate test of enlightenment... (I could write another essay on this, but later!)

But everything else that he talks about is EXACTLY what I believe, what I have experienced, and what I know to be true.

I have several examples of "awakening" experiences. The first was when I was 18, when I "woke up" from my ardent "Christianity" phase (of about 6 years). I remember I was in my back yard, laying down on a bed-chair, looking up at the sky, seeing puffy white clouds against a blue background, and thinking suddenly, "This idea of God actually doesn't exist!!" At least not the "God-figure" that I had been taught to think of throughout the last 6 years. Everything I had been conditioned to believe suddenly evaporated! I suddenly realized that infact "God" was not a figure, a person, or a "thing", but simply "Life" itself, and so "it" therefore had no judgement, no discrimination - it simply was the energy of Life.

After that, I began letting go of all the religious dogmas that I had struggled to believe, all the biblical rules and laws, etc, and I suddenly saw them for what they were: - man made constructs. It was very liberating!

Of course, I've had times of trying to turn back to some form of religion or set of rules, clinging to absolutes, but my life path has led me continuously further away from absolutist, structured "religion" and more and more to the openness, the fluidity, the possibilities of the infinite...

The second important "awakening" has been very recent. It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment, but it's been over the last few months, building up to this point for the last 6 years... I have suddenly come to the realization that my whole attitude, perspective and approach to my autistic son, Tristan, has shifted completely.

Whereas before, I have struggled to maintain a fully positive approach to his melt-downs, his violence, his aggressiveness, his negativity... Now, I believe I am succeeding in staying calm and positive EVEN in the moment of his most furious "storms", because I am maintaining a positive perspective; - I am staying objective, detached and compassionate, and not allowing myself to succumb to the disappointment, anger, hurt, etc that I used to feel every time.

His therapists have always taught us about "Positive Reinforcement" as the most important approach to our "special needs" kids. We have been taught to focus not on what they CAN'T do, but what they CAN do. To catch them being "good", or even to catch them being "not" bad, e.g. "You just got through 20 minutes WITHOUT hitting your sister - well done!" :-)

This is similar to what Adyashanti says in this video about focusing on what you are "FOR" rather than what you are "against"... So I have learned to say to myself, "I am FOR Tristan being able to sit in a chair and get through dinner without a tantrum", rather than "I am against Tristan crashing his chair, bashing the table + screaming during dinner."

This has taken years to master! We (Dave and I) thought we were doing it straight away, but it really does take time to maintain it 24/7, 100%. Despite my best efforts, and despite the 80-90% of the time that I would stay calm and positive, the other 10-20% of the time, I would lose it: - lose my patience, lose my cool, and explode in a fit of self-pity, disappointment, outrage and indignation. And when I "lost it", I would yell at Tristan, say bitter, accusing things to him, and make him feel bad, in order to make him cry and apologize. And then I would be consumed by guilt and regret, wishing I had not done that, realizing (too late) that I had just undone hours, days, weeks of hard work, keeping him balanced and calm.

Of course, I would get other people and therapists to reassure me that I was OK, that I was "only human", that I was not a "saint", that no human being could possibly put up with the crap I have had to put up with (e.g. Tristan smashing the place up, going on violent rampages, becoming wild and terrifying, etc).

But, I now realize I can be human, and recognize my human emotions and needs, but that I can still maintain calmness, detachment, objectiveness, compassion and positive energy, even in the most difficult of times with Tristan.

And its not just about saying that I have unconditional love for Tristan, it's about SHOWING him that I do.

Here's a typical scenario... For example, just this morning, Tristan came into my bedroom at 5am (he's usually up at this time and I don't try to stop him anymore!). He knows the rule: "It's OK to get up at 5am, but DO NOT wake Mum up before 6.30am". But this morning, he came in crying and moaning in a loud voice, that he couldn't work the VCR and could I help him, because if he couldn't watch a video, then he was going to be bored, BORED, BOOOORED!! And then he would have a miserable day at school, and essentially, the world would end!!

My first gut reaction (as always) was "AGH! !@#$%! Why did he have to wake me up at 5am? Why can't he just sort it out himself, or go and do something else!" My first instinct was to yell at him in anger, "TRISTAN!! YOU'VE WOKEN ME UP AT 5AM! GO DOWNSTAIRS! BE QUIET! GET ON WITH SOMETHING ELSE!" (In the past, this is what I would have done, and would not have got good results!)

But this morning, even in my sleepy state, and even with my feelings of resentment, that I had not gotten into bed until midnight (not his fault), that I needed more sleep, etc... I stopped myself from yelling. I breathed deeply.

I didn't get up and help him with the VCR though: - I considered doing that, but that would not actually help him in the long run. What he needs is to learn independence and patience. He needs to learn that if he can't do something by himself, and can't wake me up until 6.30am, then he needs to wait and find something else to do. But yelling at him is not going to teach him that.

So, I said, in a quiet, polite, matter-of-fact, positive voice, "I know you're frustrated Tristan, but I can't get up until 6.30am - that's the rule. So, please go and find something else to do until then. I will help you when it's 6.30am"

Well of course, he went storming off, and continued to cry, stomp, yell, crash and bash for about 5 minutes after that. Again, my first instinct was to jump out of bed in anger, stomp down the stairs and yell at him, "WHAT DID I SAY TRISTAN! GO AND DO SOMETHING ELSE!! AND BE QUIET - I"M TRYING TO SLEEP!!" (Again, in the past, this is what I would have done, and again, not with good results!)

But I didn't... I waited. I knew I wasn't getting back to sleep anyway. So I just waited and let his noise wash over me. Eventually, after about 5 minutes, he calmed down by himself, and everything became quiet again. I fell back asleep until my alarm went off at 6.30am.

Then, when I came downstairs around 6.45am, I said cheerfully to Tristan, "Good morning!" and pretended as if nothing had happened. He smiled, said "Good morning", and then said contritely, "Mum, I'm sorry I woke you up at 5am." And I said, "That's OK Tristan. I know you'll try not to next time." And he told me how he had figured out that he could watch the video in the other room with the other VCR that is easier to work. And I said, "That was a good solution, Tristan, well done." And so instead of having a big argument with negative energy and accusations, we ended up having a positive interaction, with me praising him for figuring things out for himself in the end.

This is just one example of many that occur every day.

I have arrived at this new level of awakening, not solely because of my readings and workshops on autism, zen, meditation, positivity etc... But because of my years of EXPERIENCE, dealing with Tristan's noise, violence, temper and unpredictability, and putting into practice my techniques of detachment, objectiveness, compassion and positivity. This constant practice has honed my skills as a zen master!

And thanks to this experience (which is still on-going), my approach to the rest of life (e.g. daily frustrations, difficult people, disappointments, negative news, flu scares, illness, death, etc), has become more and more "zen", more and more accepting and less fear-based.

I'm not trying to boast that I am really a "zen master", but I feel like I am already quite far along in a state of enlightenment, without having had any "official" Zen teaching. (Well unless you count my Reiki training, and the other spiritual workshops I've been to over the years).

Tristan with his autism, anxiety, OCD, irritability and manic-depressiveness, has been and still is, my best spiritual teacher!

To watch this video go to:
http://www.globalonenessproject.org/videos/adyashanticomplete