Returning to my Composing Career again!

My composer head shot, 2001

At last, I'm ready to announce to the world that I'm FINALLY returning, in a real and serious way, to my composing career again! Here's the story...

Turning the Corner on Procrastination

Anyone who can relate to "imposter syndrome" can relate to this... In my bios and credentials, I've always listed "composer" as one of several things I claim to be, but for many years, this has felt disingenuous because it has been so long since I actually composed anything. It's been partly a matter of procrastination, partly the reality of too much life getting in the way (especially raising a son with autism), and a lot of self doubt as to whether I was really capable or even willing to get back to composing again. As I turned fifty in 2021, I began to regard "composer" as a thing I used to be, but would probably never realistically return to.

However, during 2022, several things started to change, with the realization that my husband and I would soon become empty nesters! Thanks to having children fairly young, we're now at the stage where our kids are young adults, moving out of the house and off at college. Which gives me much more free time and energy to re-focus on myself and my own career goals. It's not been an overnight change though. Even with them growing up and moving away, it's taken time for me to get used to the idea of being able to get back to composing, and to work up the motivation to do it!

The Catalyst

Then, in November 2022, it was a tragic event that became the catalyst to me returning to composing. To summarize, one of my closest friends (Susanne Vogel), became terminally ill and passed away at the young age of 62. I was devasted by the shock of her passing, as were all her friends and family. Her husband asked me if I would sing a song for her, at her funeral service, and of course, I said that I would be deeply honored to do so. But, as I began looking for a suitable song to perform, I was moved to compose something myself for her, as my last gift to her and her family. And so I wrote a mini "Requiem" for her, adapting the words of the traditional Requiem Mass into a short poem dedicated specially to her. I then sang and played it on the piano at her funeral service, You can see and hear me rehearsing it on my YouTube channel, here. 

Susanne Vogel & me, Sept 2021

Susanne's Memorial Service

This post is not about that tragic event however, (as I've already posted a lot about it on social media), but what has happened since. Having successfully composed and performed this "Requiem", in a relatively short space of time, I realized that I very much still wanted to be a composer, and that I still had the creativity and ability within me to really do it, and bring my music to fruition. So, at the beginning of 2023, I set out with a new resolution in my heart (thanks to my dear friend, Susanne), to return to composing again... I made an silent pledge to Susanne, to do it in her honor...

The amazing thing was, I had managed to compose this "Requiem" pretty quickly and successfully, with no new or modern tools: just my acoustic piano, a pencil, an eraser and some paper! This is how I had always composed in the past: even my 8-part choral works! I had always just sat down at the piano, working out the music by singing the melodies in my head, improvising the harmonies on the piano, and quickly scribbling the notation down with pencil and paper! 

At least, as a classically trained musician, I'm fully versed in music theory and (since about the age of 5) have always been adept at writing music notation with pencil on music manuscript paper (paper printed with 5-line staves). So that part comes easily to me. However, the big problem with this, especially in this modern day and age, is that you are then left with nothing but a hand-written score, and nothing in proper print. I'm a neat writer; I've even gone to great lengths to re-write my music by hand, to make it very neat and easy to read. And it's totally fine if it's just a solo song with piano accompaniment (which this "Requiem" was), because the only person needing to read the score and perform it is... me!

My "Requiem for Susanne", copyright c) 2022

But, to seriously return to "proper composing" again, I knew that my biggest stumbling block was my lack of technology and means of getting a larger work printed and available for other musicians to play. In the past, I've had to pay other people to type up my choral works and print them out for me. But to move forward properly with composing again, I knew I needed to be able to do all of this myself.

Taking Steps towards my Goal

So in 2023, I took various steps to remedy this situation. Firstly, I forced myself to swallow my pride, admit I needed help, and find myself a composing teacher / guide / mentor! (I'd always balked at seeking "teaching" from a composer, because I'm already qualified in music theory and even used to teach composition myself!) But I realized that what I desperately needed was to learn how to use the latest composing software, and the latest digital piano / midi-keyboard, so that I could not only print out my compositions scores properly, but also speed up my composing and writing process.

In the spring of 2023, I found Thor Bremer, a really cool professor of digital music, media and composition at Columbia College, Chicago. I must give credit to my dear friend Rebecca, who recommended him to me. (She knew of him thanks to taking violin lessons with his wife.) After contacting him and having an hour long friendly phone call with him, I arranged my first session at his home studio, where he composes and records all his stuff. Since then, I have had numerous "sessions" with him, during which he has been extremely helpful, getting me started, set up and running with a composing software program that he recommended, called Dorico. (I now have the professional version called Dorico Pro 5)

When you've never used a composing software before, learning to use a sophisticated professional one like Dorico is very daunting at first. The learning curve is steep (especially when you're my age!), and it can be very frustrating in the beginning. Thor warned me about this, and he was right. However, with his advice and encouragement, I persisted with it, and over the course of 2023, I gradually began learning and conquering it!

Dorico Pro 5 is a fantastic composing software program: sophisticated and professional enough for serious composers to create large scores, but relatively intuitive and "easy" to use (once you know how!) I'm very thankful that I've been able to afford the full professional version of it. There's a "free" version, but as you would expect, that's limited. The pro version enables you to do much more, including professional "engraving", which is where you get to customize and fine-tune the layout of your score, to create the best looking printed score for your musicians to read.

My next step was investing in a decent digital piano / midi keyboard. While it's not essential, it's extremely useful to be able to play music directly from the digital piano into the computer, which can then notate it for you, while you play. You can enter notes directly into the computer, with mouse clicks or short-hand commands on the computer keyboard, and this is great for tweaking and editing. But when you're first starting to compose a piece, it's so much quicker and easier to just play it on the digital piano and have the software notate it for you. 

Since I'm a classical pianist, I've been perfectly satisfied with just having an acoustic piano all these years. (And I'm very fortunate to have a lovely Yamaha medium 5 foot grand piano!) I haven't needed or wanted a digital piano... until now!

I have my husband, Dave, to thank and credit for helping me find a lovely digital piano!  He did some research for me and found me the Donner DEP 20, which is the perfect digital piano for someone like me. It's a full size (88 key) keyboard with properly weighted keys that "feel" like playing a real piano. It has a vast array of sounds that are pretty impressive and realistic, and most importantly, a decent piano sound. And it comes with a well designed "sustaining pedal" which has real heft and weight to it, that feels close to playing a "real" sustaining pedal on a piano. And yet the whole thing was not too terribly expensive: as always, Dave managed to find a great bargain with a re-furbished model from E-bay for less than the cost of a brand new one.

I finally got this digital piano in November 2023, so it took a while, but it felt good to finish the year with the new tools that I'd promised myself I would get at the start of 2023...

An Exciting New Composing Commission

It has really felt like the Universe, or God, or some higher power has been urging me, steering me and guiding me towards returning to composing... The series of events starting with my friend passing away in 2022, and then the opportunities coming my way since then have been impossible to ignore...

Having spent 2023 investing in professional composing software, a decent new digital piano, and regular sessions with my composing teacher, I felt really ready to start composing again, and even made a list of ideas of "projects" to start tackling. As always though, without having any deadlines, these amorphous projects seemed like cool ideas, but would I actually bring them to fruition? I felt like I could, but I wasn't sure... So, while waiting for new inspiration to hit, I busied myself with getting some of my old compositions typed up into my new composing software. This was great for learning and practicing my new Dorico skills, as well as reminding myself of the compositions I've produced in the past, and therefore giving me the confidence to be able to produce something new...

Then, something happened at the start of 2024: another "catapult" event, which would propel me into composing again at full throttle! This time, thankfully, it wasn't a dear friend passing away, but rather a dear friend giving me the most amazing new composing opportunity...

A short summary:

Here's my short "elevator pitch" (or TLDR) version: I've been commissioned to compose a special piece of choral music, for the opening ceremony of a special new building, in the grounds of a highly renowned private school called Leighton Park, in Reading, England! I'm not only getting paid for composing it, but am being offered an all-expenses-paid trip to England (air-fare, plus 3 nights accommodation) in October 2024, so that I can go over there to work with the choir and see it performed! Also, the actor, Jim Broadbent (of Harry Potter and Game of Thrones fame), has been invited to make a speech at this opening ceremony too, and so (if he can make it), I'll get to meet him too! 

That's the short version... now I'll fill you in on the details of how and why this composing commission happened...

The Full Story

Matthew Judd at Leighton Park

It started with my visit to England last June (2023). Little did I realize (at the time) that going to England then would lead me back to composing again. During this trip, I visited my dear old friend, Matthew Judd, who was actually my very first boyfriend in my High School (when I was 15!). We had dated on and off for several years during high school and beyond. Although we broke up when I was 21, we have remained very good friends and have kept in touch ever since. 

A bit of relevant background: Matthew has been a high school Geography teacher for about 30 years, and a Headmaster (aka "Principal" for American readers) of two different high schools for over 10 years. Six years ago, he became the Headmaster of a highly renowned, exclusive school called Leighton Park - a large, private co-ed boarding school with many famous and notable alumni. It's a Quaker school, founded on the principals of the Quaker religion and philosophies. 

So during this visit, Matthew and I got talking about my old composing career and about me getting back into composing again. He had already become familiar with my compositions, listening to them on my YouTube channel, and he was recently struck by the "Requiem" that I wrote for Susanne in November 2022 (as I mentioned above). He loved the style of it, and very kindly called it "sublime". He then said that he would love to see me compose more works, and he said he had the seed of an idea, but wouldn't tell me what it was... 

Fast forward to January this year, 2024... Matthew wrote and asked me if I'd be interested in a new composing commission! But, he still wouldn't say what it was! He said he wanted to tell me during a Zoom meeting. Of course, I was very intrigued and so we set up a Zoom meeting, during which he told me all about the commission...

It involves a couple of stories: the story of a building and the story of a boy...

The Building

The building is a special old historical building, originally called "Grove House", which Leighton Park school owns. It's a beautiful old manor house, built in the 1800s and designed by the famous British architect, Alfred Waterhouse, an alumnus of the school. (He attended the school, back when it was known as Grove House School, before it turned into Leighton Park School). 

Alfred Waterhouse is most known for designing the Natural History Museum in London. Grove House was originally built as a boarding house for Leighton Park School. But now, it is being worked on, modernized and dramatically renovated, and will soon become a brand new study center for Leighton Park School, including a large school library, a lecture theater, conference center, new classrooms, a cafe and gardens. 

Grove House will be re-opened in October and re-named the "Ian Austin Center", in memory and honor of a special former student of the school, Ian Austin. 

The Boy

Which brings us to the story of the boy... Ian Austin was a former student at Leighton Park school about 35 years ago (which makes him about my age), and he was best known for being a very talented musician - a trumpeter, pianist & composer with a great fondness for jazz. Tragically, he was killed in a car accident when he was just 18 and the person driving the car was a former teacher at the school. Initially, the parents of Ian Austin were so bitterly distraught by this and blamed the school for their only child's death. However, as time went on, they realized that Leighton Park school was the place where their son Ian had been the most happy. (Since it's a boarding school, he had spent most of his time there, and had developed his love of music there). So a few years after his death, they started becoming more involved with the school, spending time there, and donating money to the school for various things. Recently, both parents passed away (they were in their 80s), and since they had no other children or relatives, they bequeathed their entire estate to Leighton Park school, with the stipulation that the money be put towards something in honor and memory of their son. 

So their money is being funneled into the renovation of this historical building, Grove House, which will soon become the "Ian Austin Center". It is projected to be finished by the end of this summer, before the start of the new autumn term (aka fall semester). There will be an official opening ceremony in mid October (either Oct 11th or 18th, we don't know yet). They're going to make a special occasion out of this whole thing, with music, speeches, and a special dinner, etc.

Incredibly, I was asked by Matthew to compose a piece of choral music for this opening ceremony! The school's Chamber Choir will perform it. They are an extremely good high school choir, and have won several national choral competitions in the UK. So, although I'm keeping the piece accessible enough for a high school choir to grapple with, I certainly haven't had to limit the technical difficulty of the piece too much. The one challenge has been to keep the bass parts from going down too low, since the high school choir young men's voices are not deep basses yet! I've compensated for this by putting the bass lines of my piece into the cello, bassoon and piano parts. 

Also, as I mentioned above, the actor Jim Broadbent (known for playing Horace Slughorn in Harry Potter, Archmaester Ebrose in Game of Thrones, and many other movies & TV shows) has been asked to come and make a speech at the opening ceremony too. It will depend on his agent and his schedule, so we don't know if he'll be there yet. (I really hope so! I'd be SO excited to meet him!) He is another famous alumnus of Leighton Park School. 

Since January 2024, I have had several Zoom sessions with Matthew and the school's music director, Rosemary Scales (what a great name for a music director!) Initially we discussed everything I needed to know to get started on the piece, and since then, have been discussing my progress on it. The choir won't start learning the piece until the beginning of September 2024, which is when their autumn term begins, but, I got started on it early because I knew this was going to take me a good long while to write and get completely finalized! My goal is to give Rosemary Scales the score by early August 2024, so that she has time to learn it herself, before teaching it to the choir.

Depending on when the ceremony is, the choir should at least have five to six weeks to learn it. They also told me they have a very good concert grand piano, and very talented instrumentalists at the school. So, in addition to the voice parts, they specifically asked me to write a piano part, four string parts (three violins and one cello) and a bassoon part too! (For a very talented bassoonist that they have!)  

The Text

In our initial Zoom sessions, Matthew went over the themes that he really wanted this piece to convey. He requested that I find a text that talks about the main Quaker themes, specifically: friendship, silence, peace, harmony, simplicity and light.  

After weeks of research into Quaker texts and poetry, I just didn't find anything suitable or appropriate enough to set to music, for this specific composing commission!  So, after immersing myself in all sorts of poetry with these themes, and being inspired by many of them, in the end....

.....I decided to write my own poem! 

This was an intimidating task at first, but I kept reminding myself that with my degree in English literature from Cambridge, and my poetry writing during my school years, I ought to be capable of doing this! After jotting down ideas, themes and words, the poem gradually came to me...

My poem is about several things at once. Firstly, it is a celebration of the restoration and reopening of Grove House, a beautiful old building, renovated and modernized for today's students. And, it is also about several of the most important themes of Quakerism: mainly friendship and silence.

Friendship: I have made references to old friendships which have endured with the passage of time (such as the friendship between Ian Austin's parents and Leighton Park school, and the friendship between me and Matthew). And I have made references to new friendships about to begin, within this new building. And it's about friendship in general, which imbues a place with life and spirit. It also gives a nod to Ian Austin himself - "a cherished soul" - to whom this building is dedicated in memory.

Silence: I have made references to silence: specifically the reverence, stillness and quietness of this place, which will become a library and study center. But I have also suggested that this can be the silence of spiritual worship, within which spiritual enlightenment can be found. There will also be moments of silence in the music itself, during which the music and words will resonate and echo, and allow the audience a moment to paus and breathe, which will reflect this reverence.

Harmony: I have also made references to harmony, which can be another word for "peace", one of the most important Quaker themes. But this is also a nod to the music itself, which binds all these themes together in harmony and unity.

Light: I've also put in the word "light", a reference to another important Quaker theme, which reflects the new light inside this new building and also the notion of spiritual enlightenment.

This poem was also very much inspired by a poem that Matthew pointed out to me - "The House of Silence", by Thomas Hardy. I loved this poem, and the idea that, if we can be silent enough, and open and aware, then we might be able to see or feel the spirits, or spiritual world around us, including phantoms of former dwellers within an old building.

The other satisfying thing about writing my own poem was that I could make it exactly the length I wanted for my choral composition, I could make the lines have exactly the right rhythm and rhyme scheme that would be appropriate to set to music, and I could choose words that would be aesthetically pleasing to sing. As a choral composer, I'm usually grappling with someone else's poetry or text. It was wonderful to have my own creative control over the text for once!

I can't publish my poem publicly yet, so I can't put it here on my Blog yet. (Partly because of legal copy-right agreements with Leighton Park school, and partly because I just don't want to reveal it until after the finished choral work has been publicly debuted and performed at Leighton Park School). But if you're interested, send me a comment below, or message me and I'd be happy to share more details with you privately.

The Music

Since writing my poem, I immediately dived into setting it to music! I started the old fashioned way, by sitting down at my acoustic piano and improvising, to get the creative juices flowing, and scribbling down my first thoughts with pencil and paper, just as I've always done... Then however, after establishing the main melody and the outline of the harmonies, I moved on to my laptop and digital piano, and continued to work with Dorico, the composing software. Over the last couple of months I have been churning away on it, building it up to eight voice parts, a piano accompaniment, four string parts (three violins plus cello) and a bassoon part too! (As was requested by the choir director).

Sneak peek at my piece on my computer screen...

To my delight, I have found that composing directly into Dorico, on my computer, is not only doable, but EASIER than composing only with pencil and paper at the piano. Now that I've really familiarized myself with the software and learned most (if not all) of its functions and intricacies, I can really use it to my advantage, to write more quickly and efficiently. Also, the software really makes writing a larger orchestral score that much easier too: I can see it all there, at a glance, and have everything I need at my fingertips to input and edit it. It's even enabling me to write at a larger scale than I thought I was capable of!

Now, as of today, the essential composing of it is completely FINISHED! All that remains to do is to write a "piano reduction" for rehearsal only, and then get the whole score engraved properly, so that it will print out in a nicely readable score for the conductor, singers and musicians to be able to read and learn the piece.

I can't WAIT to share this piece with the world now! However, you and I will have to be patient! The score and the recording will not be publicly available until AFTER this piece has made its world debut as a live performance at Leighton Park School in mid October. After that, I have agreed to give Leighton Park School the rights to perform, record and copy the piece to whatever extent they want to, in the future. But then, I've also made sure that I will keep the full ownership and rights to the piece, so that I will then be able to perform, record and copy the piece to whatever extent I want to, after its initial public debut in October 2024. 

I don't know yet, if there's going to be a professional recording done of the live performance in October. I sincerely hope so! But I will at least try to make sure that I record it myself, even if just with my phone. After that, I hope to work on getting the piece performed and recorded at a later date, so that I can have it available to share in audio and/or video format, on my YouTube channel, social media and blog... Stay tuned! 

In the meantime, I am just extremely thankful for this life-changing opportunity and experience. I've already told Matthew how very grateful I am to him for giving me this commission. After this, I know that I now have the tools, the experience and the confidence to continue bringing my other composing ideas and projects to fruition too. This commission may well lead to future commissions coming my way, but I won't just sit around waiting for them to fall into my lap: - I will be putting my own compositions "out there", myself... Once the ball starts rolling, nothing can stop it! This is the way I am now, finally fulfilling my composing dream! 

By writing this down and sharing this now, I'm hoping to keep myself accountable, to make sure I don't lose the impetus, and to keep me going with it all! I feel sure I will, and I am deeply, deeply grateful...